May 14, 2025
Have you ever bent over backwards for someone, hoping they’d finally appreciate you? Maybe you’ve felt like if you just do a little more – cook the perfect dinner, say yes to every request, smooth over every conflict – then you’ll earn the love and respect you crave. It’s an exhausting way to live. Many of us (and not just teenagers or twenty-somethings, but people in midlife and beyond) find ourselves in this trap of trying too hard to be loved. We give and give, often at the expense of our own well-being, only to end up feeling unseen and unfulfilled. Why do we do this, and how can we change it?
A lot of people—more than you’d think—find themselves in this exact spot. Psychologists have a name for some of these patterns. They might call it codependency or over-functioning in relationships. Those are big terms, but the gist is pretty simple. It means you’ve gotten so used to prioritizing other people’s needs that you routinely put your own on the back burner. You might feel responsible for everyone else’s happiness, like it’s your job to keep the peace and make sure everyone is okay. On the surface, it can look like you’re just really nice or extremely capable. People probably praise you for being so thoughtful and selfless. But inside, it can be a different story: you might be exhausted, stressed, and quietly wrestling with a sense that your own needs never quite matter as much as everyone else’s.
One hallmark of this over-functioning habit is an overwhelming sense of duty. It’s that voice telling you “If I don’t do it, who will?” You might believe that if you ever took a step back, the whole house of cards would collapse. So you keep going, keep giving. You’re the one who remembers everyone’s birthdays, who volunteers to organize the family reunion (because no one else will do it right), who drops everything to help. In a weird way, doing it all gives you a sense of control and purpose. But it’s a heavy load to carry. And after a while, it takes a toll. You might catch yourself feeling irritable or resentful more often. That resentment—that bubbling anger or hurt—is a big red flag. It’s your heart’s way of saying, “I’m not okay with this,” even if your mouth hasn’t said those words out loud yet.
Another sign is how little attention you give to your own feelings. When you’re constantly monitoring everyone else’s mood, you lose track of your own. You might not even know what you really want or how you feel anymore. Instead, you keep defaulting to what makes others happy, even when it drains you.
So why do we end up this way? These patterns usually don’t come out of nowhere. They often have deep roots in childhood. Maybe you grew up in a chaotic home where being the responsible one was how you kept the peace. Or maybe you learned early that love and approval had to be earned—that being useful, agreeable, or perfect was the price of being cared for. Fast forward to adulthood, and it’s no surprise you’re still trying to earn love and respect by doing too much, giving too much, and never wanting to rock the boat. Deep down, there’s that old belief whispering, “If I don’t prove my worth, I might not be lovable at all.”
Some of us also carry another pattern that keeps us stuck: staying in relationships where affection feels unpredictable. Maybe you’ve been in a situation where some days your partner (or friend or family member) is loving and warm, and other days they’re cold or distant. You might feel like you’re on a seesaw: up one moment with hope, down the next with confusion and hurt. Psychologists call this an ambivalent relationship. You might just call it exhausting. And because you learned long ago that love can disappear at any moment, you hang on tight. You might even believe, “If I can just try a little harder, things will finally feel secure.”
Here’s the thing: all of these patterns—being the fixer, the people-pleaser, the over-achiever—made sense given what you went through. They helped you survive in your family or early relationships. But what helps us survive as kids can hold us back as adults. You’re no longer that powerless child. The people in your life now aren’t your unpredictable caregivers (even if sometimes it feels like a replay). Yet a part of you might still be acting like that kid, trying desperately to feel secure by doing everything for everyone.
The good news? Once you recognize these patterns, you can begin to change them.
Next week, we’ll talk about how to break the cycle of over-functioning and reclaim your sense of self-worth—and how to create relationships that don’t drain you dry. Stay tuned!